“Laughter and Tears”
A Sermon by Rev. Patrice Ficken
Genesis 18:1-15
Luke 10:38-42
Sanbornton Congregational Church, UCC
July 22, 2007
(Please do not re-print or re-use without permission of the author)
Sarah’s laughter and Martha’s complaint ring out over time. We connect with them, we know them. Their skepticism, their frustration over the way things are resonates.
Sarah’s laughter is a mocking of God. A sign of her lack of trust, her years of praying for her deepest longing – a child – and no answers. And NOW God promises her a son? A son after all these years of waiting and hoping, of crying herself to sleep? NOW when her bones are weary, her energy wanes? What’s the point now, the good of this now? She laughs.
Martha complains to Jesus. “Look how I’ve been abandoned by my sister, Mary! Left to do all the work alone! Mary always does this! She promises to help and then is never around when there’s real work to do.” She’s been stewing for hours. It finally boils over.
Could be a kitchen anywhere in the world. Could be a kitchen at any church potluck or function.
Oh, the grievances we carry! We complain about our government, our family members, our neighbors, rising gas prices, the traffic, the cost of living, our boss. Our grievances can run so deep that some people are willing to strap bombs on their backs and do themselves in – to fully make known the extent of their grievance and their pain. The very stuff of our grievances causes wars.
Why? Because we’re feeling so bad. In our misery we look for someone to blame. Someone must be responsible for our unhappiness and distress. Someone needs to step up and do something.
John Welwood, a psychotherapist, noticed how his clients were being consumed by their grievances. He decided to explore the subject more deeply, especially in the aftermath of the attacks on the
Welwood began his inquiry by asking students in a class he was teaching around the time of the terrorist attacks, to consider a stressful situation in their lives. He asked them to explore how the stress was linked to someone they viewed as an adversary. Some students chose a relationship, some a work situation, or a situation in facing nation.
He asked them to then express their grievances in the present tense beginning with the word, “You…”
And before I share what the students wrote – I’d invite you to think right now of a situation that is causing you stress and to think of a statement -beginning with you - that captures your grievance. Write it on your bulletin if you wish.
What did the students come up with?
“You want to take advantage of me.”
“You don’t value me for who I am.”
“You don’t care about me; you’re only interested in yourself.”
“You want to control me.”
”You don’t see me.”
“You don’t respect me.”
“You don’t accept me unless I fit into your agenda”
“You don’t give m your time and attention.”
“You make me wrong for what I need.”
“You don’t recognize my goodness.”
As Welwood writes….”As people took turns stating their grievance, it became clear that these were all different forms of the same complaint, the most fundamental sorrow that there is: You don’t love me. More specifically: You don’t love me as I am. This is the universal wound that fuels our fight with the world.” (Welwood, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, pp. 16-17)
Welwood’s beautiful and compassionate exploration helps us to see that there is an alternative to holding to holding our grievances so close.
He makes a very helpful distinction between “absolute” love and “relative” love.
“Absolute” or “perfect” love – is the experience of touching the wellspring, the source of all love; of knowing without a doubt that we are loved and cherished and known for who we are. He describes absolute love this way…
“Absolute love is not something that we have to – or that we even can – concoct or fabricate. It is what comes through us naturally when we fully open up – to another person, to ourselves, or to life. In relation to another, it manifests as self-less caring. In relation to ourselves, it shows up as inner confidence and self-acceptance that warms us from within. And in relation to life, it manifests as a sense of well-being, appreciation and joy of living.” (Welwood, Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships, p. 33)
Mary, as she is there entranced by the words of Jesus, is having an experience of this perfect love. She is there absorbing every word, basking in the radiance of his presence, his light, his love. She is there at the wellspring of Love – which is available to us at all times.
“Relative” love is imperfect love. It is the love each of us offers to one another. It is the reflection of what we are going through at any particular time. A reflection of whether we got a good night’s sleep, or are feeling in good health, or are feeling good about ourselves. It is imperfect because all of us carry with us the confusion, disappointment, hurt and defensiveness born out of experiences in which we were loved imperfectly by another – our parents, our friends, our family, our spouses – and we are still carrying around the wound, the hurt, the pain of these experiences.
“Relative” love is the pain Martha is experiencing in the kitchen. She is feeling abandoned, once again by her imperfect sister, Mary, who has left her high and dry with the workload of providing hospitality to a group of distinguished guests. In fury, she vents to Jesus and she is sure that he will take her side. Rather, Jesus says, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.”
Hear this carefully….”Mary has chosen the better part…” Which means that Martha has also made a choice.
Martha chooses to separate herself from the perfect love; the source of love that is available at all times and as represented by Jesus. She literally separates herself – placing herself physically in the kitchen. She has CHOSEN to pinch herself off from wellbeing and love. She has CHOSEN to give Mary all the power to make her feel better – when in reality – the source of perfect, divine love – is right there within her.
I can hear the objections now….
Yes but….if no one does the work of the church, nothing will happen!
Yes but… who will put the food on the table, do the dishes, clean-up after?
Yes but….if I sit around and listen for God how will I pay my bills?
This is not about choosing between listening or to working. What it IS about is realizing that whatever we are doing, wherever we are – we can choose to connect with the goodness, the love, the source of all love and feel happy, connected and LOVED because we know – no one can disrupt this flow of love. We can connect to it any time. We no longer need to feel dependent on our imperfect relationships to connect to the love and the goodness that is innately within us and available to us.
The choice is ours. We can choose to be distracted by a great many things that allow us to avoid an encounter with God, that separate us from the love that loves us perfectly and completely.
We can choose to pinch ourselves off, and keep up our litany of grievances and complaints; keep adding to our own and the world’s pain and suffering OR
We can choose to let down our guard and relax into the flow of the eternal well-spring of love.
Amen.
